Praying For Job Security, Mike Pence Puckers Up And Plants A Wet One On Donnie’s Fat A*s

With all the chaos at the White House over the past week–Steve Bannon purged from the West Wing and reports of other staff moves being imminent–Mike Pence was feeling a bit insecure, so he decided to do his obsequious best and kiss his master’s hiney in the hope that he’ll remain in President Trump’s good graces.

According to the Chicago Times, Pence had this to say about the racist sack of donkey dung currently inhabiting the White House:

“In President Donald Trump, I think the United States once again has a president whose vision, energy and can-do spirit is reminiscent of President Teddy Roosevelt. Then, as now, we have a builder of boundless optimism, who seeks to usher in a new era of shared prosperity all across this new world.”

Trump and Teddy Roosevelt. Is that the first comparison that comes to mind when you think of the spineless jellyfish who serves as head of state for this country? Before you answer, keep in mind Trump and Roosevelt do have some things in common:

  • Roosevelt referred to white Americans as the “forward race” and believed it was the responsibility of whites “to raise the status of minorities through training the backward race[s] in industrial efficiency, political capacity and domestic morality.”
  • Roosevelt, like Trump, was a Republican when he held the office of president.

When it comes to how Trump and Roosevelt are not at all alike, there’s this:

  • Roosevelt was a war hero. Trump ducked out of Vietnam claiming he had “bone spurs” in his feet.
  • Roosevelt graduated from Harvard and Columbia. He was a highly educated man and a thinker. Trump went to Penn and is a complete idiot.

Keep puckering up, Mike. With Bannon gone and his poll numbers falling, Donnie’s gonna need all the reassurance he can get.

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