Hamilton Created The Electoral College For A F**king Reason – Use It


The electoral college — the constitutional equivalent of wearing an adult diaper to a party just in case you get punched in the bladder — was the kind of pussy ass move you’d expect from 17th-century idealists. The Founding Fathers read their Locke and their Hobbes and then gathered around tables in clusters of self-satisfaction. Their weeping hard-ons tucked into their belts, they plotted and schemed. They envisioned a brave new world filled with sunshine, lollipops and, occasional bouts of gout. They dreamt of something that was better than all that had come before.

How pleased they must have felt as they proposed toast after toast congratulating how desperately modern their outlook was. With much back-slapping and no small quantity of strabismus inducing posturing, they all agreed that they had gotten things right.

Their system — they told themselves — was perfect, foolproof. Magnifique.

Which is when a small, somewhat understated voice rang out across the table:

“Government by the people, by the very common shmuck? They’ll treat us way worse than my own wife, the one you tried to fuck; we’ll have complainin’ and reigning from the tyrants and the masters. And when the dust has settled we’ll all be nut-deep in disasters.”

“Alexander Hamilton!’

They cried.

Will they know you rewrote the game? The world will never be the same!”

“Oh, Alexander Hamilton; join forces with James Madison and make us all Republican!”

The check on power that Hamilton proposed was the electoral college, a constitutional dick-flick aimed at the unwashed masses; the last line of defense from a world populated by mouth breathers and shit-munchers.

This is called democracy they told the people with a thinly veiled sneer. Now play nice.

Or else.

Or else what exactly?

Because if the whole point was to prevent demagoguery then where the hell is the dick-flick?

Because if they aren’t going to use the powers granted them then what are they for? If it is to ignore the wisdom of men with the foresight to realize that one day a man like Trump might sell snake oil with one hand and grab pussy with the other, then why do we need them?

For them to watch the slack jaws of middle America masticate with new-found sincerity after exposure to half a dozen retweetable memes and not act, that begs a question. A big question.

What they fuck are we paying you for? To twice deny the election to a Democrat who wins the popular vote?

Uh-uh, fuck that. Rules are rules and they cut both ways. We let you have Bush, that one was on us. This one? This is our turn to quote regulations.

On December 19th when electors gather to cast their vote their duty is clear.

They need to reject Trump on the grounds that the phrase ‘dick biscuit’ sums him up in a far too objective way. They need to reject him on the grounds that this scenario is exactly what Hamilton had in mind.

They need to reject him.

Or we need to get rid of them for good.

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