Putin Has A File On Trump With Enough Dirt To Make Him Play Fetch

So, that’s it then.

We’re fucked.

I don’t mean in a figurative sense. It’s not a hand flailing, half smile ‘uh-oh, I didn’t revise for this pop quiz’ kind of fucked.

It’s the kind of fucked that forces you to use the F-word in constructive, emphatic ways. The kind of fucked you sprinkle into the conversation as you try to impress the gravitas of the situation upon languid mouth breathers.

It’s one of those ‘the chickens just flew the Coup d’état,’ kind of fucked. One of those ‘Noah, is this hole meant to be here?’ kind of fucked. One of those ‘I just caught my dick in the train door and heard a whistle blow’ kind of fucked.

Whilst the Senate was busily confirming president-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet picks with less due diligence than you’d find in the average 18th-century bull baiting rules recital, the news broke.

The Cold War was over (Again.) And Russia won.

It seems that Russian intelligence has a file on Trump with enough dirt in it to build a New Orleans levee.

No wonder they wanted him to win so badly. They have their man; an absurd, bloated puppet of a president with an ego the size of Mount Rushmore and hands so tiny that his finger paintings once inspired the invention of Dot Matrix printers.

This ‘Pinnochiohmyfuckingod,’ moment is going to go down as one of those watershed moments in American history.

The Cuban missile crisis. Watergate. The Siberian Candidate.

Jiminy Brick it

The exact contents of the classified file will have to remain an object of idle speculation.

For now, that is.

Perhaps they have pictures of Trump furiously pleasuring himself with his own thumbs whilst sitting backstage at a Methodist charity fundraiser. Maybe they have video footage of him riding around on a broomstick-pony dressed only in his daughter’s panties while humming the theme from Little House on the Prairie.

It is conceivable that they have an audio tape of a distraught Trump admitting he routinely beats Angora rabbits to death in his basement in order to provide a never-ending weft of wisp-thin fur to affix to his scalp.

It doesn’t matter what the actual reason is.

Because whatever it is, it’s got to be bad; really bad. I mean, it’s not like we’ve seen him at his best up to this point.

The mental check list of all the things he has said and done over the past year is as exhaustive, as it is exhausting.

Grabbing pussies? Check. Walking in on underage girls as they change? Check. Insulting Muslims, Mexicans, women, and the disabled? Check, check, check, and… Check. Threatening to nuke Europe? Check. Threatening to place limits on free speech? Check.

Casually buggering a confused looking heron on live TV?

Che… Oh, Ok… Not that one.

But it definitely sounds like something he might have done. Which is disturbing.

You’ve Got Blackmail

It’s like something out of shitty 80s movie; some Luc Besson euro-trash sci-fi flick starring Bruce Willis and some fit foreign bird whose name features less prominently in Reddit threads than do mentions of her cup size.

The year is 2017. The United States of Amerikkka

The Republican party has managed to dumb its base down to such catatonic levels of ignorance that they have willingly elected a man to office so uniquely unqualified to the task at hand that several eminent academics are able to construct mathematical models in which an Eggplant wearing a 1970s style kipper tie would make a for a far more effective leader.

The president-elect’s past reeks worse than the death-fart of a gunned down cowboy. Foreign governments control America from afar.

Only one man can take him down. Bruce Willis.

I wish it was a movie.

Because it is looking increasingly likely that Putin has a file on Donald Trump thicker than a Victorian grandmother’s bush. And if that is the case, then this election just went from unfortunate comedy of errors to an actual threat to national sovereignty. It might be time to throw some tea in the harbor again.

Or maybe some Borscht.

Because you can absolutely believe that Putin will use such information to control, cajole, and intimidate Trump into rolling over and shooting tootsie rolls from his ass on command.

Roll over!

Beg!

Good Doggy.

Oh, and about Alaska. We want it back.

Now.

Shit.

Featured Image By Zio Fabio Via flickr/CC-By-SA-2.0

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