If You Want To Start A War With China At Least Get A F*cking Dictionary

Sun Tzu had an awful lot to say about war. The title of his book The Art of War was a dead giveaway I suppose. In it, he spoke at length of knowing one’s enemy, the conservation of energy, the need for a variation of tactics and an understanding of the terrain.

He listed no fewer than nine possible situations a general might find himself facing across the battlefield and by all accounts was something of a stickler for details when it came to matters of military expedience.

Still, he said nothing about the importance of being able to spell above a 6th-grade level.

Spelling Be

I guess Mr. Tzu just expected that basic levels of literacy would be one of those pre-requisite things that would take care of itself.

It seems not to have occurred to him that one day a world leader might prefer to read an annotated version of his text written in an over-sized comic sans font. He never thought to write an explicated version that avoided the use of brow furrowing words such as disposition and maneuver.

He missed a trick.

Printed on durable and (somewhat) water-resistant card the president-elect could have read the whole thing cover to cover in the bath.

Add in some primary color illustrations, pop-up tactical tips and no fewer than five ‘textural learning experiences,’ and he could have kept the commander in chief-to-be entertained for a full five, maybe even ten minutes.

Perhaps we’re being a little harsh. It’s not like China’s confiscation of naval hardware is dangerous or anything. It’s possible that he just misread Teddy Roosevelt’s maxim; Tweeting Wrongly and Being a Big Dick, is that so bad?

So, he misspelled a word, so what? At least it was a big word. Right?

Image via @realDonaldTrump

Oh, shit no actually, you know what, it wasn’t even a word. It’s a rookie mistake really. The belief that something that sounds like a word must, in fact, be one. Sure, we can begin a novel with the line ‘She farted bigly,’ but no word processor will ever let that pass. Not unless you add the word in manually.

Perhaps that’s what Trump does. It sounds like the kind of thing he’d do.

Not that he’d be alone in that crime, I mean we can all make up words when the mood takes us.

Fuck-nut, Arse-candle.

‘Dick Pringle.’

And yeah, using a hyphen to make new words is cheating a little but let’s consider two things. Firstly, that all those words accurately describe the man who is going to be the next president and secondly…

I’m not about to become the leader of the free world. So you can cut me some slack.

Would that we could cut Trump some slack! We gave him enough rope to hang himself during the election cycle and hang himself he did. He fluffed interviews, tweet raged at individuals, grabbed pussies with hands so tiny that some women swore blind they were being fingered and none of it mattered.

His supporters didn’t care. In their world knowing how to spell a word with more letters than ‘tits’ in it is of itself a reason to be suspicious. That’s why hyphens are of so much use when insulting them.

What tit-beaks.

So, as Trump unravels years of successful diplomacy simply in order to satiate levels of narcissism that register a 5.0 on the Charlie Sheen scale we could at least ask him to reach for a dictionary once in a whole.

Unless he knows something, we don’t.

 

Featured image via MemeGenerator/Trump caricature by DonkeyHotey via Flickr under a CC BY-SA 2.0 license

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