Hey, Pat McCrory! Get A F*cking Job

Poor Pat McCrory. Since losing his recent bid for re-election, the former North Carolina governor has joined many of his fellow North Carolinians in the unemployment line. He reportedly met with President-elect (ugh) Donald Trump this week, but that’s no guarantee Trump is planning to offer McCrory a cabinet position. Knowing the two of them, it was more likely a meeting to discuss the best ways to invade the genitals of strangers, because who the fuck needs things like privacy and consent, right?

Anyway, it would suck for McCrory to be unemployed over the holidays, so here’s a brief list of jobs for which he’s no doubt qualified, just in case Trump isn’t tapping him to head the Department of Pecker Peeking.

  • Department Store Stock Person (Toy Department) McCrory is proud of his ability to sniff out the differences between boys and girls. As a stock boy, he’d be responsible for placing the toys on the appropriate aisles. Position comes with a smock and a megaphone, so he can shout

“That’s a BOY TOY!”

every time a little girl picks up a car or an action figure.

  • Personal Stylist to the Duggars With his spot-on ideas about appropriate male and female appearance, who better to deck out the Duggar clan in their always-fashionable long skirts, mall hair, and high-waisted pleated church slacks than Pat McCrory? We hear he’s a sucker for plaid, too.
  • Undertaker Since McCrory refused to make healthcare accessible for thousands of his constituents, there’s bound to be an increased demand for these professionals in North Carolina. And it’s not like he’ll need any specific qualifications; how hard can it be to toss a bunch of dead poor people in holes and cover them up?
  • Inspector Number 42 You know how sometimes when you buy a new package of underwear, there’s this little slip of paper in there that says “Inspected by #42?” Pat McCrory was made to be Inspector 42.
  • Food Court Supervisor There’s no better candidate than Pat McCrory for this. Tacos on this side of the building, hot dogs over there, NO MIXING.

featured image via graphic stock

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