In our new world order kleptocracy, nothing seems real anymore. Up is down, black is white, enemies are allies and the blonde fuzz skimmed off of a Furby’s backside is somehow deemed presidential enough to sit upon the head of the leader of the free world.
Is it any wonder that we are filled with questions?
What happens next?
Where do we go from here?
How much does it cost to literally take a shit on poor people?
Such catechisms have crossed our minds far too frequently of late. They have formed in our subconscious arriving unbidden, squeezed into the vapid space between REM cycles, genital scratching, and, furtive duvet rearranging.
Such difficult, poignant questions.
Aside from the last one that is. The last one is easy.
It costs exactly $736
Toilet Bowl Toll
Earlier this week the BBC reported that airlines in India are to be fined if their planes release human waste from toilets in the air. The ruling came after a petitioner alleged that aircraft had been dumping waste over residential areas near the airport in Delhi.
There’s a lot to be said for the English language’s use of tenses.
Past perfect continuous: ‘Had been.’ We use the past perfect continuous to show that something started in the past and continued up until another time in the past.
In other words, this was no one-off.
They’d been releasing midair doo-dahs for some time.
The allegation itself was made by a retired army officer who issued a complaint after discovering that the walls and floors of the terrace of his house near the airport were:
“Splattered with large patches of excreta dumped by aircraft flying in front of the airport.”
Unfortunately, since it could not be conclusively proved that the waste came from the flying aircraft no compensation was issued.
As everyone knows, a human turd descending from the skies at escape velocity is just one of those things that happen from time to time. It’s like when frozen spears of piss erupt from the ground and staple people’s feet to the sidewalk. Or when bullets of fat-free semen ricochet off our chins during trips to the seaside. These things just happen.
Life sucks, get over it. Jeez.
Taut Sphincter Reform
It’s typical really.
The burden of proof required in order to nail these corporate bastards has been set so high that they can fly well above the excretosphere.
They ponce around on their terraces eating vol-au-vents from the crotches of teenage prostitutes without fear of being brained by the sudden arrival of a half-gallon scoop of Ben and Jerry’s Dough-ble impact.
They can perch on the stools clustered around the patio bar blissfully unaware of the homophone bullet they just dodged.
They don’t have to worry their pretty little heads about it. Because this kind of thing only happens to the poor.
The communities that lie in clusters around Deli airport are far from affluent. We’re talking about a city where some earn as little as $5 a day. The airplanes are supposed to dispose of their waste once the plane has landed but it looks like dumping it earlier works out a bit cheaper. Dump it too high in the air and you risk killing someone. Dump it too soon and you risk it landing on a rich person’s house.
Dump it too high in the air and you risk killing someone below. Dump it too soon and you risk it landing on a rich person’s house.
But flying low over the Delhi slums?
That’s perfect, the Goldilocks zone if you like.
Who’s been crapping in my porridge? Indeed.
Not that such a thing could ever happen in the USA.
Here in America, we hold certain truths to be self-evident and when it comes to pollutants, there is no rich-poor divide.
And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking; what about those Native American living in North Dakota
Overflow Pipe Dream
Yeah, sure OK, but moving that pipeline away from White communities on the grounds that it’s too dangerous is different.
It’s not like they are throwing toxic shit at the people of Standing Rock.
They are just going to let it seep into their water supply and kill them all of slowly.
At any rate, such activities seem to require no real punishment at all.
Instead, the National Green Tribunal directed the regulator to ensure:
“That aircraft on landing shall be subjected to surprise inspection to see that human waste tanks are not empty. If any aircraft is found to be violating such circular or [their] tanks are found empty on landing, they shall be subjected to environment compensation of 50,000 rupees per default.”
To the environment agency that is.
But what about the people who just got literally shat on? What do they get?
They get shit.